Miserable or Strong?

The Ceremonial, Repetitive Self-Care of Maintenance

So much of our days are really about maintaining things over time; here our self-care becomes a ceremony rather than drudgery.

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If you've ever said: I just want more ease and flow in my life! Or if only I had more space to....

Then this article is for you.

In our third quadrant of self-care we embrace the wisdom of water as our guide and ally to creating more flow.

Water can stagnate and become stinky or water can cleanse.

Let's create more clear waters by exploring the difference between a project and maintenance and a task.

A task is something you do once.

A project is a series of tasks with an endpoint.

Maintenance is an ongoing task.

Examples… My task this morning: to put together the sit/stand desk I'm now writing on (complete!)

Current project: writing my next book (lots of little tasks, has an end point)

Maintenance: Shoveling snow off the walkway (there will most likely always be more snow to shovel…)

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Why is it important to separate tasks and projects from maintenance?

Tasks and projects will have an end point. You can make a list and cross the tasks off.

Maintenance is ongoing. There is not an endpoint. And when we treat them as tasks we can falsely believe we should be able to cross them off and never think about them again.

Naming and claiming the maintenance of being in a body and having physical stuff is another step in good self-care. Because with conscious care we can turn maintenance into ceremony and repetition into rhythm. And we can begin to find ways to create more flow and fun.

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Examples of maintenance:

Care and feeding of your body

Care and feeding of your pets/plants/peeps

Care and feeding of your car, lawn mower, vacuum cleaner, etc

Care and feeding of your bank account

Care and feeding of your friendships and partnerships

Which include things like:

Brushing and flossing teeth

Making morning coffee

Paying bills

Oil changes for truck

Updating software

Watering plants

Staining wood deck

Spending time with ones we care about

Legal paperwork and taxes

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All of these things need care, and all of them are an extension of your life. All of these things support you, and make your life easier when attended to.

Maintenance can be something you avoid, procrastinate, and grumble about or feel sorry for yourself around. Or it can be something that you claim as part of your inheritance for the wonderful gift of being born on this planet, at this time.

And it is a gift, loves. You are precious. This incarnation is a miracle, a magical mystery to explore and fumble our way through. Even in the most challenging times, or most challenging lives there is beauty, grace, and blessings.

And tending to the maintenance of being alive is one way to count those blessings. Every. Single. Day.

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Creative Flow

The cool thing is that you have absolute choice in everything you do. Nothing is a must. We are not going for perfection, but flow and ease.

Most mornings I spend 15 minutes cleaning up: making the bed, washing dishes, straightening my desk. I used to do this ritual before I went to bed, but something shifted and I now find it is a sweet way to settle myself for the day.

And some days I let the dishes pile up, the bed stay unmade, and my desk get cluttered. I know that bringing everything back will take longer and take more energy. But that is okay. Remember: It's not about being perfect and checking off everything on your mental checklist of what a "good" person should be doing. It is about being in relationship with YOU and your life.

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“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~ Carlos Castaneda

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Consequences & Choices

To understand consequences and choices, take a moment to write in your journal or ponder: what happens when you don't maintain the things in your life? What are the consequences?

Imagine: you ignore putting oil in your car. Or you only eat potato chips and chocolate every single meal. Or you don't water your plants. Or you stop paying your bills.

None of these things incomplete or undone is bad or wrong. We don't have to use punishment, fear, and judgment to motivate our actions. However, each of these things left undone or unattended have consequences.

And often the consequences come with some form of self-harm, rather than self-care.

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You can imagine that when you are maintaining something it moves freely, like a well-oiled engine. There is no friction and little wear.

But imagine running an engine with dirty or low oil. Parts start to wear on each other. Friction creates heat and breakdown. Parts start to freeze up.

Maintenance, and really all self-care, is relational. We are in a respectful, mindful relationship with our pets, our children, and the things we choose to have in our lives.

So we can ask ourselves: Do I want to deal with the consequences of not attending to these things?

Be honest. Go through your list and ask yourself: yes or no?

This is not a “I must be good or I am bad”, answer. This is a simple exploration of energetic output and choice.

You may realize some things you don’t want to maintain anymore, and some things you want to increase your loving maintenance…

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Steadiness

I might make a choice to not pay my taxes or never put oil in my truck. But then I shouldn't be surprised when the IRS comes a knocking or my truck stops generously carrying me from place to place.

Bring steady respect to your maintenance. Understand the context of the thing you are feeding, and how it feeds you.

This also is so helpful when we make a mistake in maintaining something. Let’s say that you miss payment and your credit card APR goes up. Ugh. Breathe. Consequence. You don't need to punish yourself. You do want to ask yourself: “What do I need to make sure I more consistently care and feed my credit card?”

Note: check in with — Is this a supportive and flowing question or is this a question that makes me feel like I'm drowning in a bog of despair and punishment?

Questions can help maintenance flow more smoothly in the future, or be a way to dam up more self-harm.

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Anything can be shifted from mundane to sacred.

Even things that are infuriating, unfair, and frustrating. It takes a willingness, and a shift in perspective to hold multiple truths at once.

Example: It feels yucky to pay your taxes when you are against some of the choices the government is making. Be disturbed and speak out about what you don't agree with. And also remember that the government does shitty things AND paves roads, offers services for people in need, and does many many other things to help us maintain our lives. Both are true. I can write a check to the IRS both frustrated and not in agreement with some policies and practices, and also incredibly grateful for 911, social security, and National Parks.

This frees up energy to then take action on what I don't agree with, rather than just spinning about it or feeling powerless.

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And one last thing to ponder…

Notice how this feels:

Thoughts while brushing teeth:

Let me hurry up and get this done so I can get onto more important things. Ugh my teeth are so brown and crooked. I wish I didn't look so tired. I should be flossing more my dentist is going to be mad at me. I bet my teeth are going to fall out just like my uncle Fred…

Feel the thoughts stagnating and polluting your inner waters?

Now imagine this:

You pick up your toothbrush and say "hi!" to yourself in mirror. You take a deep breath. You thank the makers of toothpaste: what a cool thing! Toothpaste! Then as you brush: Thank you teeth! Thank you teeth you are wonderful! Thank you for helping me chew food and sustain this being. You give your teeth some extra love as you floss. As you finish this daily toothbrushing ceremony you take an extra minute to look yourself in the eye in the mirror and check in with how you feel today. You breathe and acknowledge this human in the mirror. “Good morning, sweetheart. I see you.”

Which will you choose, dear one?