The Tension of Being Trustworthy
Part 2: Me
Greetings!
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In my last article I started exploring what it means to be trustworthy with a very covid brain; today I’m back home and feeling much better. Mystic is alternatively chewing on her toy, moving my socks around and chasing flies as I slowly unpack and clean.
Next week I’ll share an update on the land; there is so much going on up here!
Here is part 2 on my exploration on what it means to be trustworthy.
My younger-self idea of being trustworthy went something like this: To be trustworthy means being perfect, never hurting anyone, and feeling guilty/punishing myself if I made a mistake.
That sounds like a fun time, doesn’t it?
There is a particular slice of being trustworthy that I want to write about today: What does it mean to be trustworthy to self?
This inner conversation started when I hired Jennifer to help me get organized in my work world. My emails / project lists had become heavy sacks of digital letters unopened, partially read, on hold. Instead of being productive at work I was basically moving one sack to a different location and feeling buried as more mail came in the door.
As we started clearing and sorting I set a new intent for myself: I wanted to be trustworthy to my team. Which I realized meant I needed to be more trustworthy to myself.
My life is a balance of creative chaos and deep focus. My travels mean I rarely have a steady schedule, and I juggle multiple projects and modes of being: teaching workshops, guiding retreats and apprenticeships, land restoration, writing, community development, building projects, dog training.
I am slowly weaning myself from taking on too many things. This means learning what my capacity is now, and releasing what I think my capacity should be. It also means honoring that I’m a creative person who thrives on crafting new things and working with other people on big audacious projects.
My friend Will Taegel used to talk about the importance of being in the tension between opposites.
On one side: my wild self. Let’s do big things! Get outside of the box! Make magic! Creative possibilities! She is powerful and expansive and loves doing things that seem impossible.
On the other side: my get-shit-done self. Stay steady. Do the next thing. Slow down and focus. Have the hard conversation. She is strong and intense and loves settling into a task.
It is impossible to be trustworthy by ignoring my wild self. She needs space to play and explore and make mistakes. To go for long wandering walks in the woods and take on a new crafts.
But it is equally not-doable to just give her the full reins. I so value my willing, focused self that gets great satisfaction out of spreadsheets, organization, and planning years in advance.
My self-trustworthiness comes as I learn more about how to guide and support myself to not flip-flop into the extremes of these poles.
Where do you flip-flop in your life? Are there places you go to one extreme and then crash back into the opposite?
Undoing patterns — from avoidance and procrastination to overwork and burnout — takes radical honesty and learning as we go along. We need to get present to who we are now. Not who we wish we were. Not who we were in the past. Now. Who am I now? What am I doing with my energy and time? What do I need for support?
These questions work best when asked from curiosity and clarity. When we judge or compare we can’t be fully present or honest with ourselves.
Becoming trustworthy requires presence and patience. Presence to track consciously what you are doing, and to vision what you would like to be doing. Patience because it is going to take time moving yourself from one state to another.
I know what would serve me best: blocking out time frames for specific projects on my calendar. Looking ahead to when I’m traveling so I can complete things in advance. Becoming more honest with myself about what my capacity is now vs what I wish is was.
These are all true. However, if I just lean into my get-shit-done self and write up a fixed schedule for the next six months I will definitely sabotage myself. Because I’m only attending to half of my being. I need to take my wild child into account. What does she need to feel free and full?
Here is the tension: both wild and get-shit-done are pulling my attention. My job as wrangler of HeatherAsh is to stay with the tension and allow the most supportive structures for this being to emerge.
As I grow older I’m noticing that I don’t have the same bounce-back capacity physically or mentally that I once did. So I need to build in more down time, more space between things. I’m also unwilling to live my life as a blur of activity, or from pushing or forcing. And yet… I still have a lot of big goals and visions that bring me great joy and excitement.
This is wisdom: getting to know ourselves over and over again so we can listen for what this precious being needs. Being in the tension of opposites so something that truly serves us can be birthed. Staying steady without being rigid and staying flexible and adaptive without being wishy-washy.
Becoming trustworthy is about listening. Adjusting. Learning. Trying again. More listening. More adjustments. Taking responsibility. Releasing what is not ours to carry. Trying again.
Beloveds, don’t let your inner critic and comparison demons tell you what or is not trustworthy. Meet yourself as you would a stranger: “Hi, who are you? What do you love? What lights you up? Where do you struggle?”
What would help you become more trustworthy for yourself? Engage in a life-time conversation with the one who will be with you, when times are good or bad.
Then let your sacred striving in the tension of opposites deepen your capacity and love. May your choices come not from the surface fears and old patterns, but from the cool, still well of wisdom within you.
Here is my quiet time, post starting my day…. I love waking up and listening to the wind through the trees and the bird song.