Revisiting the White Deer
Thoughts on possession, war, horrors, and blessings
Hello dear ones,
I’m deep into cocooning this week as I work on my next book. Here is a repost of my second-most popular Out of the Fire writing, one which still makes me cry when I read it. Oh, humans. You are so wonderful, you are so cruel. How do we hold it all?
For those of you who like to listen, or listen while you read: https://heatherash.substack.com/p/the-white-deer-63c
From the archives, written October 20, 2023
Here is my dance with the contradiction of so much beauty and so much ugliness; how to integrate war and love, horrors and gifts. It starts with the unexpected.
Early morning drive. Soft sunrise. Curvy roads. No other cars in sight.
To my left, a five-second glimpse out my window of a white deer and her small beige fawn.
Snow white. Blank canvas white. Milk white. Ghost white.
Brown eyes and nose.
Foot off the accelerator. Mouth open in awe.
Should I turn around?
Should I get her photo?
I drop into my heart and listen.
A gift. Keep driving. Receive.
And so instead of frantically turning around and trying to capture her with my camera, I drive on.
I send the white deer a blessing.
And I breathe in the blessing of the white deer.
Over this week as I watched the news of more war, of terrorism, of retaliation, of more death and killing and horrors, as I witnessed online grief turned into rage and finger pointing, I thought about the white deer.
I imagined what would have happened if someone else had driven past the white deer on any given morning.
Instead of her unique existence being seen as a gift to be received, she might have been seen as something to be possessed.
I could too easily imagine someone wanting to mount her unusual head on the wall, or turn her hide into a rare rug to be admired.
We can so easily twist our desires into justifying taking whatever we want.
Even if it means killing a living being to possess it.
According to Sanctuary for Families, in the United States nearly 3 women a day are killed by an intimate partner.
In 2020 alone, there were 5,295 reports of missing American Indian and Alaska Native women and girls, according to the National Crime Information Center.
Possession.
Today, on my day off, I’ve been watching videos of dead Palestinian children, of kidnapped Israeli women, of children buried under the rubble of war, of families dispossessed.
I’m trying to understand.
I don’t understand.
And I totally understand.
Today, I don’t turn away. I want to see, to take it in.
So I breathe, and watch.
Oh, humans. We are so, so cruel to each other.
Why when harm is done do we think more harm is the answer?
Why do we try to erase the history of oppression, and then are shocked when violence spills over?
Why do hurt people create more hurt?
How do we stop the cycle?
I remind myself: wars and atrocities and hurt are happening everyday, everywhere around the world.
What we are seeing in Israel and Palestine (or Ukraine and Russia or in Iran, or Afghanistan or…) is not an isolated case or a sudden outbreak of violence or repression, but a long-time simmering that has boiled again to the surface. Just like in so many places around the world.
There are currently 23 ongoing armed conflicts happening on our little planet earth.
How do we metabolize the news, the images, the hatred, the murder, the grief?
Sometimes I choose to turn towards the worst of humanity.
As a spiritual, optimistic, cheerful, and see-the-best-in-everyone person, every couple of years I consciously turn towards the worst.
The Rwandan genocide told by the only survivor of her family (Left to Tell by Immaculee Ilibagiza).
A girl kidnapped and held prisoner for eight years before escaping (3,096 Days in Captivity by Natascha Kampusch).
Newspaper articles about the East Bay Rapist (Joseph James DeAngelo Jr.).
Survivors of the Holocaust (Against the Pollution of the I by Jacques Lusseyran).
Each story shows two faces: the horror and the heroic.
I can’t fix or change the horrors.
But I can witness.
I can seek to understand.
I can show up.
I can bring love.
I can learn to hold both the atrocity and the resilience.
I can bring compassion.
I can pace myself so I don’t disassociate or numb out or spiritually bypass.
I can bring hope.
I can pray for peace.
I can bring more compassion.
I can speak up without holding the old narrative of evil vs good.
I can weep for the terror and loss and violence on all sides.
I can name the violent parts within myself.
I can name the victimized parts within myself.
I can know that all of it comes from hurt and fear.
I can choose to bring love.
I can choose to act / pray / witness with love.
From the oracle of google: The white deer I saw is called a leucistic deer; less than 1 percent of the population. Albino deer are even more rare.
From protectthewhitedeer.com:
Ojibway Story of the White Deer, Waabi Waawashkeshi: A story related by a Lac du Flambeau elder tells of creation and the assignment of roles as leaders to the different animals. The role of the white deer is to remind us of our spirituality.
“This white one represents the sacredness of all living things and they should be left alone, never hunted or bothered. When we see them, we should take notice of our own spirituality and think about where we are with it.”
What if I held it all as sacred, each precious life as a gift?
May I keep reaching for the sacred.
May I release needing to possess.
May the violence stop right here, in my heart.
May I receive the gifts all around.
"Hold on to what is good, Even if it's a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, Even if it's a tree that stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do, Even if it's a long way from here. Hold on to your life, Even if it's easier to let go. ~ Crowfoot
What if we held it all as sacred, each precious life as a gift?
May we reach for the sacred.
May the violence stop right here, in our hearts.
May we release the need to possess.
May we receive the gifts all around.
"What is Life? "It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. The True Peace. The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness, with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells Wakan-Taka (the Great Spirit), and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us. This is the real peace, and the others are but reflections of this. The second peace is that which is made between two individuals, and the third is that which is made between two nations. But above all you should understand that there can never be peace between nations until there is known that true peace, which, as I have often said, is within the souls of men." ~ Black Elk
HEALTHY WAYS TO ENGAGE / RESOURCES / SUPPORT
compiled October 2023
Remember, even a tiny amount helps. You don’t have to feel helpless. Educate yourself as you can. Donate a little or a lot. Take care of your nervous system. Don’t jump to conclusions. Get news from sources you trust. Pray and take actions for peace. There are wars now and there will be more wars. Slow and steady, sweethearts.
https://www.oxfam.org/en/open-call-immediate-ceasefire-occupied-palestinian-territory
https://www.amnesty.org/
https://www.un.org/en/situation-in-occupied-palestine-and-israel
https://daily.jstor.org/revisiting-yeshayahu-leibowitz
SOME GROUPS PROVIDING HUMANITARIAN AID TO ISRAEL AND GAZA:
from
https://laist.com
Remember, even a tiny amount helps. You don’t have to feel helpless. Give a little. Educate yourself as you can. Take care of your nervous system. There are wars now and there will be more wars. Slow and steady, sweethearts.
American Near East Refugee Aid (ANERA): Food, hygiene kits, humanitarian relief for people in Gaza
United Hatzalah: Emergency medical response for people in Israel
Baitulmaal: Humanitarian relief for people in Gaza
Jewish Federation of Greater Los Angeles Relief Fund: Humanitarian relief for people in Israel
Middle East Children’s Alliance: Humanitarian relief for families, children in Gaza
American Friends of Magen David Adom: Ambulances and emergency medical aid for people in Israel
Palestine Children’s Relief Fund: Humanitarian relief for families, children in Gaza
The Jewish Agency’s Fund for Victims of Terror Recovery relief for those affected in Israel
Islamic Relief USA: Humanitarian relief for people in Gaza
JDC (American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee): Social services, humanitarian and economic relief for people in Israel
From @ohhappydani
Sharing some raw thoughts with you. A sentiment that kept replaying in my mind over the weekend is the idea of “heartbreak making way for fertile ground.” This extremely difficult time that we’re processing through as a global community has left our hearts tender… and while we’re advocating for justice & calling for ceasefires, many of us are sitting in that brokenness. Yet that tender space can also be a place where new seeds of change can be planted. Not just hoping for it, but taking steps to reorient ourselves to what’s good & right & true by dedicating ourselves to new rhythms while we try to get through our days and all our current responsibilities.
You may have discovered that you haven’t been as in-tune with global news as you want to be (I know I’m not), yet now is a chance to plant that seed and tend to it by looking for unbiased outlets and seeing how you can create a new rhythm of being informed without being completely overwhelmed. Or you’re finding how important language is and how easily entire people groups can be dehumanized. You can plant this seed and tend to it by choosing to define your terms, remember context, & sprout that habit of avoiding harmful rhetoric as you discuss tough topics.
If you’re looking for something tangible as you make your way through this week, swipe for a blank chart that you can fill with 1-3 new rhythms to try dedicating yourself to. Keep leaning into compassion and gentleness and your heart for justice. It won’t stop the heartbreak, but it’ll hopefully give you a glimmer of hope that change is still possible because it’s happening within you. You’re living proof.
You may not know exactly what next step to take, but it’s never a bad idea to be aware of this tenderness you’re currently experiencing and finding little ways to stay soft and open and dedicated to this good work.
~ Danielle Coke Balfour; follow her at: https://www.instagram.com/ohhappydani
In "my parts, geographically" the Wise Spirit has traditionally reckoned the sight of a white deer as "The Sign that the End Times ARE HERE." As in, not that things are just becoming worse, but more like "Hold on to your underwear - and DUCK!"
Have you heard this before? Of course, there's ALWAYS been the admonition of "view her in awe, quietly; then just as quietly, take your leave" and run like hell to warn the others (LOL) of what you've just seen! I have JUST seen one, a doe, with a set of light tan twin fawns, standing almost hidden in the trees on an embankment set back from back road.
I'm quite frightened, having heard THAT all of my life from childhood on! What are your thoughts?